Residents of Evil
by queen zombie
Summary: Think you've heard the last of Leon and Annette? Well... Probably... HAH! Chris, Claire, Wesker, Alexia, Alfred, Nemesis and Rebecca meet their old high school teachers! Well, here's chapter 5 so enjoy it...
1. Characters of Disaster

**Residents of Evil**

**- Characters of Disaster -**

**Disclaimer: I don't belong to Resident Evil. I mean Resident Evil doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Capcom, who's obviously a bazillion times richer than me... Enjoy it anyway smiles.**

Alexia was sprawled atop a purple, Indian silk couch with the book Barry Trotter and The Shameless Parody in her hands. She turned a page, scratched her bum once and reached out for her iced Coca-Cola which was placed on a wooden, fire-resistant table beside the Indian couch.

Just then, a tall, dark shadow fell upon Alexia.

"Go away, Alfred. I've had enough of your hide and seek games. I've found you once below my bed, in my closet, behind the television, in the sewers connecting to the kitchen, right next to me, right behind me... You don't know how to play the game do you?"

"STARSSS" came a reply.

Alexia turned to face the source of the spooky voice, thinking it's Jiorge Double-U Whoosh, she prepares to kick him in the ribs for entering her room when he was supposed to be at the parliament house doing whatever presidents do. She dropped her book when she realised that her Kindergarten classmate was there.

"Nemmy!" Alexia squealed and threw her book aside with great force before going over to Nemesis and giving the big fella' a hug. "Man, you've grown taller!" Alexia exclaimed.

The big guy nodded.

Alexia rolled her eyes. "Oh for goodness' sake, speak properly, dude. All you can say is 'STARS', 'STARS' and more 'STARS'... Oh yeah, and the occasional 'BRAWWWGHHHHHHH!!!!' too... But hey, we're off-screen now and not in that stupid game that they filmed about 3 days ago. We can take a break from all that acting. That Crapcom or whatever said we're not gonna' be appearing in anymore Resident Evil games from now on."

Nemesis frowned. "Yeah. We were both killed in the game. Stupid people at Capcom. Hey, Alfred's next door playing dress-up. Want to join him?"

Alexia rounded on him. "That prat's an idiot. What were they thinking? Alfred isn't even my brother! Just because he's blonde and has my eye colour, my features and everything, they put him in as my twin brother! Seriously, I would've made a better Jill Valentine."

Nemesis nodded in agreement. Suddenly!!! Leon Kennedy ran into the room with a fully loaded bowgun.

"Quick! Hide me!" he screamed at the two villain-actors.

Alexia raised an eyebrow and Nemesis looked confused.

"Ain't you supposed to be like, filming Resident Evil 4 or something? You're in the wrong room. Recital Studio's down that-a-way," Nemesis pointed out of the door from which Leon had come from.

"No, no, no!" Leon shook his head vigorously to show how serious he was, "Sharks. Are. Coming. To Get me!" he pounded at his chest, indicating himself.

Alexia slapped her forehead, "Idiot..." she said, not even bothering if Leon heard her or not, "Now I know how stupid this guy really is."

Nemesis grabbed Leon by the collar and shook him. Hard. "Yo, dude. Chill out! You're not in Shark Tale, you goon. You don't play Oscar the fish, you were fired from that job. You now play Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil. Get that into your puny little brain of yours." And he set Leon down none too gently.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Came a voice from next door.

Alexia and Nemesis rolled their eyes. "Alfred" they droned in unison.

Leon stopped fretting and suddenly fell sound asleep onto the carpeted floor.

2.09 seconds later, Claire Redfield and Alfred Ashford came tumbling into the room.

"My gawd, what is with these people? Aren't they smart enough to find the Crapcom studios?" Alexia fumed.

Claire picked herself up from the ground, took one look at the sound-asleep Leon and said to no one in particular, "Oh look who's been watching too much Jaws movies."

Alfred grabbed Claire by the ankles and made her trip.

"Arghhhhh! Alexia, make your brother stop trying to drag me over to his playpen and make me play dollhouse with him!!" Claire yelled in defiance.

"Meep! But I want to play with someone!" Alfred squeaked in his irritatingly-high-pitched-voice of his.

Approximately 1.78 seconds passed and there was a loud noise coming from the room's toilet.

BAM. BAM. "Damn this door won't open!!"

KABLAMM! Shards of wooden splinters flew in every direction. One of the bigger splinters hit Alexia in the stomach and she howled in pain. Blood splattered onto the floor. But she had no time to think of pain because look who just came from the toilet?

"Hey ya!! Who's trying to steal my girl and play dollhouse with her?" Steve Burnside inquired, brandishing his almost-out-of-ammo sub-machine guns.

Alfred screamed in horror. "Crap! It's the guy who killed me!" and he scrambled behind Nemesis, who looked kinda' pissed off at the girly Ashford as though he had some kind of disease.

Alexia was trying to pull the shard of wood out of her chest, only to have more of her blood spill onto the carpet.

Steve took 2 steps forward and immediately tripped over the sleeping Leon, who was sucking on his thumb just moments ago.

"What the he-" Steve toppled over the RPD cop and landed in a heap on the floor. Meanwhile, his sub-machine guns went out of control and shot Alexia in the leg.

"Watch it, you Alfred-killing insect!" Alexia screamed. That sentence was followed by a few more insults and vulgarities.

Steve picked himself up, oblivious to Alexia's rants. Leon was still asleep, miraculously. Claire went over to Alfred, who was still cowering behind Nemesis, and kicked him where it hurts.

Barry Burton walked in his head buried in a Healthy Diets magazine. He spotted something red and shiny on the floor. It was Alexia's blood. He squinted at it, put on his glasses, squinted some more and declared, "It's blood! I hope it's not --"

WHAMM!

Barry flew 10 feet into the air, and landed on the second floor of the building after crashing through the ceiling.

Nemesis dusted his hands together. "So much for the 'I hope it's not freakin-hell's blood' phrase."

Steve and Claire just stared at him. Alexia's blood just then burst into flames.

"Ah!" Alexia bawled, "My blood's lagging!"

"Huh?"

"I mean, it won't disintegrate into flames upon impact anymore. Instead, it's taking a loooong time to do that!"

"Freeze, human!" Chris Redfield yelled and pretended to kick down an imaginary door as he stepped through the door-less doorframe of the room where all the Resident Evil characters were. He stopped his action movie style and took some time to view what he was seeing. His eyes traveled first to the biggest thing there, which was Nemesis. Then it went to Alfred, who was rolling on the ground in pain, clutching his... Chris winced. Then it went to Steve and Claire and the hole in the ceiling. And finally to Alexia, who was shooting Chris a death glare.

Chris took out his wallet, which he pretended was a walkie-talkie and spoke into it, "Squad B, what's the situation over there? Over."

Claire slapped her forehead. "Oh for heaven's sake, Chris. Stop pretending that you're part of the SWAT team. Seriously, you should let Leon watch those SWAT movies instead of JAWS 2."

Chris looked over at Claire. "Oh, yeah, I forgot something. My eyes haven't traveled over to Leon yet!"

So Chris' eyes traveled from Alexia to Leon, who was on the floor sleeping and hugging himself.

"Leon's been watching Jaws again!" Chris announced.

"Nice going, Sherlock. Like we don't already know," Claire said, unamused.

Chris grinned stupidly, "Where's Chambers and Valentine?"

Alexia hissed in protest when she heard Jill's last name. "Blonde bitch! She stole my role!"

All eyes were on Alexia when someone rode into the room on a motorbike.

"Yo, wassup dudes?! Becca's in da house!" came the rough voice of the amazingly feminine-on-TV Rebecca Chambers.

"Rebs! Good to see ya!" Nemesis exclaimed, "Put it there, man!" and he stuck out his palm.

Rebecca gave him a hard high-five, "Back atcha' my man!" and she spotted Alexia, "Hey, sista! What happened to ya?!"

Alexia gave a feeble smile and doubled over in pain, "The wooden door came after me," she replied.

Rebecca gave her a weird look and went over to Alexia, handing her a mixed green herb, "That'll do ya some good, sista," Rebecca said.

Strange as it may be, Alexia's only sibling is Rebecca, not Alfred. Alfred was only Alexia's twin in the game Resident Evil. In actual fact, Rebecca's Alexia's sister by blood. They don't look alike, but they are. As much as Alexia loved her sister, she didn't like Becca's attitude. Alexia was feminine, Rebecca was the total opposite, loud, coarse and full of action.

"Enough of all that sibling stuff!" Chris cursed the narrator, "It's like, soooooo time to party!!"

"You go, girl!" Becca yelled at Chris, "Let's all get outta this stinkin' room, it's gettin' way too small. Let's all go to da beach!!!"

"Yeaaaaahhh!!!" everyone in the room yelled.

"Nooooooooo! Mama, noooooo!" Leon thrashed around on the ground in his sleep.

"Forget the baby, let's go!" Steve shouted.

"Chargeeeeeeeeeee!"

Everyone, Chris, Claire, Rebecca (on her bike), Steve, Nemesis, Alexia and even Alfred changed out of the door.

20 minutes passed...

"Where'd everybody go?" came a voice from the hole in the ceiling.

"Mama...?" Leon sat up with a start.

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To be continued......?

A/N: You loved it didn't you? You didn't?! Well then, if you didn't, you can go crawl back under that puny rock where you came from! Reviews people! I need them! I don't bite! ... much... Anyway, chapter 2 happens at the beach... Rebecca's as loud as ever! Chris thinks he's James Bond now! And the only sensible ones there would be Claire and Nemesis! How would these bunch of RE star wannabes survive?


	2. Beach of Lunacy

**Residents of Evil**

**- Beach of Lunacy -**

**A/N: Sorry for the looooong wait... I had writers' block... ;;; Well, here's chappy 2!**

"Hey!!! You idiots!! Can't you see that I'm standing waaaaaaaay over here?!" Alexia screamed to the people playing volleyball. No one wanted to pass the ball to her.

Steve grinned as the ball came hurtling towards him. "You want the ball? You've _got it_!!" And 2 seconds later, the ball was last seen hitting Alexia and sending her straight into the sea. Her last words were: "Steve BURNSIDEEEEE!!!! YOU SHALL DI-----" before only splashing noises were heard.

"Oops..."

"Mr Burnside, that was totally uncalled for!" Claire complained, "Now where the hell are we gonna get another volleyball?!"

"Mrs Burnside, please don't call me Mr Burnside," Steve smiled back.

Claire blinked. "Heeeeey... waitaminute..... We're not even marrie--"

"YO DUDES!!!" Rebecca yelled at everyone, "ICE CREAM'S HERE!!! And look who I've found lurking around!" Rebecca somehow managed to conjure Albert Wesker up from thin air and hold him up by the back of his collar.

Chris looked up from the newspaper he was reading, "Is that..." he started.

"Alyson Wesker?!" Nemesis completed.

Wesker crossed his arms haughtily, "ALBERT Wesker, you imbecile. Now Ms Chambers would you be so kind as to..." he took a deep breath, "**PUT ME DOWN?!?!**"

Rebecca didn't like it when people bossed her around. She friggin hell didn't like it at all. "As you wish. I shall PUT YOU -- " And she flung Wesker straight into the sea like what happened to Alexia, "down now." she finished and dusted her hands.

Alexia meanwhile was trying to crawl out of the water. 'Arghh.. Shouldn't have worn this purple dress out to the beach...' she thought. And barely 3.14 seconds later, something big, black and shiny landed on her and it went, "ooooof!" and Alexia went: SPLASH!!! And she was back in the water again.

Rebecca and Nemesis were figuring out how to open the ice cream box.

"Hey, Chris! Open this for us!" Rebecca called. "CHRIS!!!"

Chris Redfield was oblivious to Rebecca's constant shouting of his name. Instead, he took out his handgun and shot Nemesis in the leg.

"OW! What the hell was that for?!" Nemesis cried, hopping up and down on one foot.

Rebecca rolled her eyes, "My gawd.... There's seriously something wrong with you people... You guys don't even know how to smoke properly!" And then she spotted Alfred in the distance, riding a bicycle. "Hey, Alfred!" Rebecca called.

"Meep!" Alfred replied and rode towards Rebecca.

"Help me open this ice cream box. It hates me so much that it refuses to open!"

Alfred grabbed the ice cream box.... and immediately dropped it.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rebecca yelled.

"It's COLD!" Alfred whined, rubbing his hands together.

"Urghh!" Rebecca slapped a hand to her forehead, "You sissy!"

"Don't worryyyyyy!" Chris shouted and sprang to life, "I shall help thee!!! For I am drum roll James Bond!!! Muahahahaha!!!"

And Chris proceeded to shoot the ice cream box with his gun.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Rebecca, Nemesis and Alfred took cover as ice cream flew everywhere.

Some of it hit Chris in the face. The rest showered Steve and Claire.

"HEY!!!" Claire squealed.

"What?!" Chris replied, his face covered in chocolate ice cream.

"Umm..." Claire said, "Is that chocolate ice cream?"

Rebecca fell over. "Duh, it's chocolate ice cream!!! Are you BLIND?!"

Meanwhile... In the water...

"Get OFF me!" Alexia screamed at Wesker and incidentally lit his hair on fire.

Wesker's eyes grew big, realizing what Alexia just did, he dunked his head under water. A huge 'HISSSSSSSS" was heard and steam was seen. And his head came up again.

"You damned fire-witch!!!" Wesker yelled, "What have you done to my hair?!"

But Alexia was already crawling out of the water and onto land. Wesker followed suit.

Chris, Rebecca, Steve, Claire, Nemmy and Alfred were sitting on a picnic mat and playing TRUTH OR DARE when Alexia and Wesker came towards them with dark faces.

Chris was the first to look up, "Wesker.. Dude, what happened to your hair??" And Chris broke into a fit of hysterical giggles.

Wesker touched his head.

Scene switches to the parking lot at the beach about 500 meters away. A car drove into one of the lots and out stepped Jill Valentine, Leon Kennedy and Barry Burton, all dressed up and ready for the beach.

But before they even took a step towards the sea they heard something.

"MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALEXIA! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?"

All three looked at each other. "Wesker." The trio stated and shrugged.

Leon looked around. "Why're we at the beach? You know I hate the beach... It's because of all the-"

"Sharks. We know." Jill nodded, looking at Barry with a Leon-is-crazy look. "Now let's go find the others.

---------------------

To be continued!!!

A/N: Okay, I admit. It was SHORT. But that's cos i got writers' block! Don't kill me! Everyone gets writers' block! But then again, I'm not very happy with this chapter... Wasn't as good. Anyway, till next time... D Review please! I survive on reviews!


	3. Holy Smokes!

**Residents of Evil**

**- Holy Smokes! -**

**A/N: And I'm back yet again... hilarity ensues so stick around! Warning!!! This chapter makes abo-soluter-ly no sense whatsoever! read em and weep guys! And maybe I should rate this story PG-13 from now on...?**

Jill Valentine, Leon Kennedy and Barry Burton finally reached their destination: Alexia and Wesker's wrestling match?!

Apparently, Wesker didn't like what Alexia did to his blonde, gelled-up, slick hair that matched his round face.... so, he decided to beat her up... only, Alexia ain't such a weakling and they both started to play kill-each-other.

"WHAT THE DAMN HELL'S GOING ON?!!!" Jill screamed at the nearest person, which just happened to be Steve.

Steve, who just became half-deaf because of Jill's rather high-pitched scream, replied simply, "What did you say...?"

Jill gave an agitated cry and moved away. Leon Kennedy came up to Steve and promptly punched him on the nose. Steve collapsed with a scream.

"HEY! What wuzzat for?!" Claire cried in protest.

Leon glared at Steve, "He was the punk that fired me from become the lead voice actor in Sharktale!"

Claire rolled her eyes, "You couldn't even become the voice actor of Barney the purple dinosuar! Why would anyone wanna hire you?!"

Leon shrugged, "Hey, I became Leon in RE2, yeah?"

"Dat was one bick mizzdake." Steve said, rubbing his now-bloody nose.

Meanwhile, Chrissy Redfield and Becca Chambers were watching Alexia and Wesker battle it outon the volleyball court.

"I'm rooting for sis!" Becca cheered.

"And I bet Wesker'd beat the living daylights outta her!" Chris said, grinning a big-ass grin.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll bet you'll lose that bet!" Becca stated smugly.

"OH YEAH? I'll bet that you'll lose the bet that I betted!"

"Huh..?" Becca was confused.

Meanwhile......... Wesker was screaming at Alexia, who just put his black suit on fire.

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! That suit cost me $34348789538050!!! And 95 cents!" Wesker cried, seeing his suit go up in flames on the floor. He was now topless....

Everybody there ogled at his bare body. It was all muscular and tanned. Wesker looked down at his body. "Oh... I work out." he said, smiling a stupid smile. "See my supah strength? muahahahhaa! XD" Wesker took hold of a nearby tree and lifted it off the ground.

Chris frowned. "That's your stupid virus, man!" he said, "That's why i voted for him." Chris said, turning to Rebecca, "I mean, he's got da powaaah!"

"But I know his **WEAKNESS**!" Alexia yelled and grabbed a fake, rubbery, plastic-key mouse from inside her bra and threw it at Wesker.

It landed on Wesker's face, knocking his shades off and sending him stumbling. He saw the mouse, eyes windened and he SCREAMED!!!!

"AIIIIIIEEEEE!!!" he dropped the tree and it dropped on his foot. "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" he screamed a second time.

Everyone there looked up from what they were doing.

Barry looked up from his _Healthy Diet_ magazine and Jill and Leon stopped playing tag and Claire stopped helping Steve with his bloody nose. Only Alfred and Nemesis were in a corner playing Barbie dolls.

Wesker was now on his back, due to the weight of the tree on him. He looked into the bright blue sky, without his shades. "Hey... Look...!" he said distantly, as though he were drunk and just woke up. (How he didn't get blinded by the sun without his shades I don't know)

Up in the sky, heading straight for Wesker was... DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!! Sherry Birkin!!!!

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Wesker screamed, "It's RAINING SHERRY BIRKINSSS!!!!" and he quickly got out of the way before he got flattened by Sherry, although she's supah-tiny and lighter than my digital camera.

Wesker got up and jumped away, causing him to slam into Alexia, who was standing next to Rebecca and giving her sista a high-five.

"Wot the hell?!" Alexia screamed. "Yeh git offa meh behfour ah fry yer ass!" her rich accent made everyone except Alfred and Rebecca look at her.

Alexia looked back. 'Wot the heck are they starin' at?! Stupid insects!'

Wesker took Alexia's advice to 'git offa' her 'behfour' she fried his ass...

Leon and Jill stopped their tag game completely. Leon looked at Sherry, "WTF?! What're you doing here? I thought I sent you to the girls' home-- I mean kindergarten!" he said nervously looking around.

"Waitaminute....." Claire and Jill stared at Leon. "You sent her to a girls' home?" Claire questioned. "You... You... YOU BIG MEANY!!!!" and she proceeded to beat Leon with a frying pan that she magically conjured up.

Meanwhile, Sherry ran over to Alfred and Nemesis to play with Barbie Dolls.

"YAY!!! A new member to join out Barbie Tea Club!" Alfred said, jumping for joy.

Nemesis took a tea cup and immediately crushed it between his massive fingers. "Oops... X Butterfingers!" he said, embarrassed.

"Hi, guys..." Sherry said nervously to Alfred... 'Gee, that blonde man is SCARY.' she thought.

"I HEARD THAT!" Alfred screamed. "I'm TELEPATHIC!"

Sherry jumped 50 feet into the air, landed on her two feet and ran away crying into Nemesis' arms.

Nemesis looked pissed. "Look at what you did, you stupid, dummy, weirdo Alfred! You made Sherry CRY!!!" and he proceeded to make Sherry calm down, "It's okay, kiddo. I shall make sure this blonde-haired scary man pays for his telepathic-ness." and he smiled down and Sherry.

Sherry looked at Nemesis. 'Man, this guy creeps me out too...'

Meanwhile, Claire was having a row with Leon.

"No way! I DID NOT send Sherry to a girls' home. I'd nevah do that!" Leon protested.

"Fine! What 'kindergarten' did you send her to?"

"Uhh..." Leon scratched his head, "The 'Basic Dealings With Juvenile Delinquents for Girls' kindergarten?"

"HAH! Ever heard of THAT kind of kindergarten, Steve?" Claire asked, triumphant.

"Actually..." Steve replied, "I have... My parents sent my step-sis there."

Claire sweatdropped. "WTH?!"

"Not saying that it's a kindergarten!" Steve said quickly, "It IS a girls' home!!!"

Jill looked at Leon, then at Claire. "YO! WHY DON'T YOU KIDDOS JUST FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE, EH?" and she stepped in front of Leon and kicked him in the nuts.

"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!" Leon collapsed in a heap onto the floor and rolled about in pain, clutching his groin.

OO Steve and Claire stared at Jill.

" You sure kick ass, lady!" Steve commented and gave Jill two thumbs up.

"I'm a black belt in karate and I know kungfu!!!" Jill said and posed cornily.

Claire yawned. "That's what I'd expect from an ex-STARS member anyway. Although Chris can barely handle a runaway chicken from the farm."

"???" Jill looked confused.

Soooooo..... finally, Barry got up from the picnic mat and chucked his magazine aside (it hit Rebecca on the head) and went for a swim. He took off his shirt and pants, showing bright yellow swimming trunks.

Wesker and Alexia stopped beating each others' ass and looked at Barry.

"Dude..." Wesker said, "You really gotta' wear some other colour."

"And do something about that belly! The sight of your big-ness makes me wanna' puke!" Alexia said, all forms of accent evaporating.

"Awww... shuttup!" Barry said.

"Hey guys!!!" Steve called, "Kennedy just passed out cos Jill kicked his nuts!!!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH..." everyone chorused.

"Anyway, can we get outta here? The sun's making me get sunburnt!!!" Steve complained.

"Okie dokie!!!" Jill agreed.

"WHAT?!?!?" Rebecca cried, "We just got here, and you're complainin' of hot weather?! What whimps!"

"Let's go to our old high school!" Claire suggested.

Rebecca immediately stopped being irritated and switched to hyper-mode, "HELL YEAH! I used to **kick people's ass** there!"

"WOOHOOO!!!!" Chris crowed, "ROAD TRIP EVERYONE!!"

And everyone ran into the big army tank that suddenly appeared 50 meters away. All except Barry, who was still standing, knee-deep, in the sea.

"...**the hell**...?"

---------------------

To be continued!!!

A/N: I **LIVE** FOR REVIEWS!!!


	4. Headmistress VS Leon Kennedy

**Residents of Evil**

**- Headmistress VS Leon Kennedy -**

**A/N: Who likes cheese? XD This chapter's longer than the other 3 and I hope to keep it that way... Anyway, more Wesker and Alexia nonsense in the chapter. It's a sort of flashbacky thingy. Anyway, thanks for the reviwes. XD They make my day!**

SCREEEEEEEECH!!!

The huge army tank screeched to a stop seconds before running over the Residents of Evil High School for the Demented.

Just behind the tank, you could see a 100km flattened path through a whole neighbourhood, caused by the tank from the beach all the way to where they were now.

Alfred was first to hop out of the tank. "WOOHOO!!! That felt good!" he screamed, taking in fresh air. "I love army stuff. The stuff's just sososososo gooood! It's a pity my modeled one at Rockfort got BLOWN UP thanks to Capcom... I DEVOTED 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE TO THAT TANK. And what do they do? Huh? HUH?!"

FLASHBACK THING!

Resident Evil Code Veronica director: Alfred, my dear squeaking gay boy, why don't you sell us your model tank that you spent billions of dollars on so that we can incidentally put it in your base on Rockfort which will be destroyed by the self-destruct system?

Alfred: WHAT?!?!?!?! I SPENT HALF MY LIFE BUILDING IT!!! ......... how much you paying me for it?

RECV director: How about... let's say... $25.10?

Alfred: Huh? How much is that worth? A lot? I don't know how to count... Okay, I'll take the money...

UN-FLASHBACK!

Alfred sighed. The rest got out of the tank.

"THAT is the LAST time I'm letting Alfred drive a tank!" Wesker announced, climbing queasily out of the tank. Once his foot touched the ground, he collapsed in a heap.

Chris looked at Wesker's head. His bald patch was GONE! "Hey! How'd his hair grow back so fast?" he asked, looking at the good-as-new hair on Wesker's head.

Rebecca whispered to Chris, "I heard he used _ Uncle Bob's Magical Hair-care Beauty Gel_... even during the time he was at High School!"

Chris gave Wesker a boot in the gut. "Get up, sissy boy!"

Wesker grabbed Chris' ankle and twisted it so it sent him whirling to the ground.

"OWWWW! I think you broke my leg!" Chris cried.

"That'll teach you to call me SISSY BOY!!!!" Wesker screamed.

Meanwhile, everyone else was staring at their old high school, the Residents of Evil High School for the Demented.

"Gee, that's a long name for a high school..." Steve commented and looked at the author, "Hey, why don't you just type REHSD next time?"

Leon was looking around. "Umm... Who you talkin' to, punk?" he asked Steve. "I don't see nobody around."

"Stop calling me 'punk'!!!!!" Steve yelled.

Leon grinned, "I can get you arrested for screaming at a cop, little boy."

Steve stared at him. "Little boy?! LITTLE BOY?!?! Why you little..." And he proceeds to beat the living daylights out of Leon. Sherry was cheering for Leon to be pulverized for sending her to a girls' home.

"Say..." Jill said to Claire, "What's the name of our teacher again? Mrs Vanessa Rockfort?"

Claire got into a thinking stance. After a minute, she turned to Jill. "Honestly... I forgot."

Jill fell over. But Chris was there to answer. "Wasn't it Mrs Veronica Ashford?"

"OH!!! Yeah, that's right!!!" Jill nodded vigorously, "Rebecca's and Alexia's aunt! Gee, her name's famous you know? It appeared in the cover of the game **RESIDENT EVIL CODE VERONICA**... and she was said to be Alfred's and Alexia's 'great ancestor'... HAH!!! What a joke!"

Alexia threw a shoe at Jill. "That's my super-rich aunt you're talking about, bitch!"

Jill rubbed her head, where the shoe landed, and started spewing vulgarities. "You're the bitch! Sore-loser! I _KNOW_ you're jealous that I got the _lead_ female roll in RE1 and RE3!!! So there!" and Jill stuck out her tongue.

Alexia threw her other shoe at Jill. This time, she made a note to light it on fire before throwing it.

Jill's hair erupted into bright orange flames. "WAHGHHHHH!!!!!!" Jill screamed and ran around in circles which only made the fire grow bigger.

"Damn, woman!" Chris commented, "You sure know how to destroy RE characters' hair!"

Alexia grinned her superior grin, "Of course! It's what I DO!" and she laughed insanely. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

And Chris started to edge away slowly from the mad Ashford incase she decided that Jill's hair wasn't the only hair she decided to light on fire.

Jill, meanwhile, was doing something completely ridiculous.

"Stop, drop and roll! STOP DROP AND ROLL. STOP DROP AND ROLL!!!!!" she screamed and started doing exactly that. Only problem was that her head was far from the ground.

Wesker hopped up from the ground where he collapsed and immediately screamed, "I SHALL HELP THEE JILL VALENTINE!!!" and he ran over to her and squeezed the whole tube of _ Uncle Bob's Magical Hair-care Beauty Gel_ all over her head.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Jill screamed. The fire on her hair grew bigger.

"Oops..." Wesker blinked and then edged away. "That wasn't me. I was... never here..." and Wesker ran into the school building.

"Let's follow him!" Rebecca said and ran after the man in black. And soon after, the rest followed, except Jill, who was still writhing about on the floor.

DUN DUN DUN!!! In the high school...

"S-WEEEET!!!!" Rebecca cried and ran over to inspect every nook and cranny in the walls of the school.

"Did I tell you?" Alexia said to everyone there who was looking at Rebecca like she smoked to much weed. "Becca loved this school. She loved it SO much that she purposely got into detention so that she could stay back after school to clean toilets."

O.o Everyone was even more freaked out by Rebecca.

"She likes the toilets?" Nemesis asked in wonder. "I thought nobody liked school toilets cos they're all full of-"

Before he could finish, the headmistress walked up to the group of 8.

"-SHIT!" Nemesis finished.

Rebecca stopped inspecting walls. The rest of them stopped moving.

"Hello Mr Headmaster sir!" Chris said, saluting.

"WHAT THE HELL... I'M A WOMAN FOR HELL'S SAKE!!!" the headmistress screamed. But then she stopped, "Hey..... aren't you Chris Redfield? Claire Redfield's brotha?" she asked.

Claire stepped up to the headmistress, "Yah, duh!" Claire said, "Hi, Mrs Annette Birkin, wassup? Remember that time we filmed RE2?" Claire grinned.

"Yeah, yeah, so I died, so what?!" Annette said, irritated. "I remembered that you were a bad, bad, gangster girl in my school!"

"YO, ANNETTE! IT WAS **ME** WHO WUZ IN A GANG, LADY!" Rebecca yelled, "Claire was that goody-goody gentle gal who sat at the back of class and made no noise!!!"

"Oh." the headmistress said and squinted at Becca, "Well, well... look who it is. Veronica Ashford's niece... Very interesting... I know your aunt had some trouble making you listen in class while you were break-dancing on your desk-"

"I was NOT break-dancing, you ass! I was trying to flatten my Math textbook that Wesker crumpled up!!!" Rebecca said, fuming.

Annette blinked. "Albert's here?" and she looked around. "Oh, there he is... and there's your sister too. And Alfred, and... Oh my... is this an RE party or something?! AND WHAT'S MY DAUGHTER DOING HERE?!"

"Uhmm... mom? Remember that man?" Sherry said, pointing to Leon, "Remember when he promised to take me to kindergarten?"

By this time, Leon was taking a few steps backwards, towards the main entrance of the school.

"Yeah," Annette said, raising an eyebrow, "What's with him? He was a good kid in this school. A role-model. A PREFECT."

"LEON WAS A PREFECT?!?!?!?!" Steve screamed, "How come I NEVER KNEW?!"

"Because you were one grade lower than him. You're younger than Leon, remember?" Claire said, "Leon's like, what? 21 now? He was in the same class as Jill and Chris and Nemesis for some reason... and we were in the same class as Rebecca, remember...? Frankly, this fanfic doesn't care about age differences that much because Alexia and Alfred and WESKER were in the same class... but that's because Wesker was a slow learner. Or was it because Alexia was the fast learner?" Claire scratched her head.

"Umm... I thought Alexia graduated from University at the age of 10?" Steve was confused.

"ARGH!!!" Annette screamed, "Would you all SHUT UP?! I wanna' hear what my daughter has to say about Lion."

"...It's Leon, Mrs Birkin." Leon said grumpily.

"WHATEVER!"

"Uhmm..." Sherry continued, "THE BIG MEANY WANTED TO SEND ME TO JAIL BUT BECAUSE OF MY AGE, HE PUT ME IN A GIRLS' HOME!!!!!!!!" and Sherry curled up into a little ball, broke down and cried. "BOOOHOOOHOO!!!!"

The headmistress stared at Leon, then at Sherry, then back to Leon again.

"You did WHAT?!?!?"

"Err..." Leon said, his hand already on the door handle. "SHE LIES!!!!" he said dramatically and darted out of the door.

Annette went after him, clutching a clipboard and swinging it around like some murderer. In the distance, you could hear the engine of the tank being started... and Annette was yelling: HOW COME JILL VALENTINE'S LYING DEAD ON THE FLOOR?!

O.o everyone was staring after them through the glass door.

"Well!" Wesker said brightly, "So much for Mrs Annoying Birkin. Now let's go find a wall to vandalize!" and he grinned evilly with all the evilness he could generate.

Rebecca looked horrified. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" he screamed, her back to the wall she was inspecting and her hands against them, "They are my precious!!! MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!"

Everyone looked at her like she's gone mad. Oh wait. She WAS mad.

"Hmm... I remember now!" Chris said, "The gang that Rebecca joined was called the-"

"-Wall Loving Gang," Alexia completed. "They clean walls as much as they clean toilets. I kept telling my sister that it isn't a gang worth joining. She should've joined MY gang. The Superior Ant Gang where I was the leader, THE QUEEN ANT!!!" and Alexia laughed madly.

"Rebecca and Alexia have both gone bonkers..." Wesker stated. "Must be a family trait."

"You RAT!" Alexia screamed, "I HEARD that!"

And that started yet another fight.... but that'll be in the next chapter. XD

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To be continued!!!

A/N: Wesker and Alexia hate each other to the core for some reason... wahahahaha! Anyway, review if you wanna see the next chapter and who d'you wanna see win the fight?! LOL!


	5. Teachers of Doom!

**Residents of Evil**

**- Teachers of Doom! -**

**A/N: For some odd reason and technical error, Barry, Jill, Annette and Leon will not be appearing in this chapter orsome others to come, _probably_. Other than that, enjoy. -grins-**

And Steve looked around. He has powers to hear what the author says (like in the last chapter). "Hey guys... queen zombie said that Barry got left behind at the beach, Jill died outside our high school and Annette went chasing after Leon screaming bloody murder!"

"Figures..." Chris muttered to himself, "Those four aren't exactly her favorite characters. So anyway, where's Mrs Veronica Ashford?"

_-Meanwhile...-_

_Ding! Ding! Ding!_ Alexia and Wesker fighting match, Round 2!

"You have NO RIGHT to call me and Rebecca _crazy_, mindless insect!!!" and Alexia proceeded to throw her blood at Wesker.

Wesker jumped out of the way just in time before the bloody blood/fire hit him. While Alexia was busy wondering why Wesker moved so fast with his superior...fastness, Wesker threw himself at Alexia, causing her to topple over. Both of them skidded to a stop right under someone's feet. Looking up, they were stupified to find Veronica Ashford looking down at the two of them.

"Well, well, well, well, well...." Veronica said in a i-am-greater-than-you tone.

"Mrs ASHFORD!" everyone cried in unison, looking at the lady who just stepped in. The lady with the long black dress and long blonde hair, wearing what looked like a hat with a feather in it. Customary for a Looney-bin Ashford.

Wesker was the only one who looked annoyed, "I don't think you needed to say _well_ so many times. It gets on my nerves."

Veronica picked Wesker up by the collar. "Since when were you so arrogant, Albert? I remembered you were one of the trouble-makers in my class. Always putting cow poo in my niece's pencilcase...tsk tsk..."

"What else do you expect me to do if she keeps throwing fake, rubber mice at me from behind? AND SHE KICKS MY CHAIR TOO!" Wesker yelled, pointing dramatically at Alexia.

Alexia sniggered, "Weskie's afraid of _mi-ice_, Weskie's afraid of _MI-ICE_!!!" she sang. "There was a stupid but cowardly Wesker, who met a very cute mouse _thing_. The man was weird but... THE MOUSE WAS FEARED. MUAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!" Alexia did a VERY bad distortion of her lullaby thingy.

Wesker, Veronica, Rebecca, Chris, Sherry, Claire, Steve, Alfred and Nemmy all sweatdropped.

"Why don't you all come to the staff room?" Veronica said, "Then you can meet up with all your old teachers?"

"YEAAAAAAH!!! I LOVE THIS SCHOOL MAN!!!!" Rebecca screamed.

"But I'm not even in this school!" Sherry piped up.

"Shut up, you!" Veronica said, annoyed. Then, she looked back at Sherry as though realising who she really was... _'Oh, shitshitshit! It's the headmistress' daughter!! I didn't know!'_

"Uhmm..." Veronica said to Sherry nervously, "_Pretend_ I didn't say that, okay little girl?"

"Okie!" Sherry smiled.

They all trooped into the small, _tiny_ staff room of REHSD. It was furnished with just four wooden desks that belonged to the four _only_ teachers in REHSD. There was no air-con, no fan, just opened windows for fresh air. Claire looked around.

_'I wonder how these teachers survive...'_ she thought to herself.

As if reading Claire's mind, Veronica said, "We live on these vending machines, to tell you the truth." And she pointed to a row of soda machines and snack machines lined up against a wall. "Because canteen food is deadly to teachers, but vital to school students." and she gave a mighty laugh.

Claire and the others stared at her.

"Anyhoo, come meet your old teachers!" Veronica said excitedly. And she led them to the centre of the room (which wasn't very big, to tell you the truth).

"Everyone!!!" Veronica announced, "Your old students have come for A **VISIT**!!!" and the way she said the word _'visit' _with that evil grin it was as though she wanted to lock 'em up and torture them.

The other three teachers, William Birkin, Ada Wong and Carlos Oliveira, looked up from their paperwork.

"AHAH!!!! GREAT SCOTT! IT'S ACTUALLY.....!" 5 minutes passed, "Hey....... who are they, really?" William Birkin asked, inspecting them one by one... "It's the... RE cast?" His eyes finally rested on Sherry.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I thought LION put you in an orphanage?!" William cried.

Claire looked horrified. "You were in the _Leon-will-put-Sherry-in-a-girls'-home_ plot?!" she gasped. "Impossible!"

William looked confused, "His name's _Leon_?" then he glared at Claire, "I thought I paid him $100,000 to put my irritating daughter in an ORPHANAGE?! What made her end up in a girls' home?!"

Sherry was looking at her daddy in terror, and then she broke down crying. "DADDY HATES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" she screamed through tears. "WAAAAAH!!!!" and she darted out of the staff room and was last seen running off to some unknown place to be eaten by zombies.

William and Claire sweatdropped.

Wesker stepped in to say something. "Actually, Mr Birkin sir, I think she was learning how to fly... You see, she nearly killed me when she fell out of the sky and landed on the beach..."

"Don't listen to him, William," Veronica said, "he's talking crap." she received a glare from Wesker which she ignored, "Now, where were we... oh yes! Remember Mr William Birkin? Your Science teacher who taught all of you Pure Chemistry, Pure Biology, Pure Physics, Pure Rocket Science & Pure PhoSoficallianatics? (whatever that is) Yeah, he was one of the only teachers who had his IQ bigger than that of Einstein... WAHAHA! REHSD is _proud_ to have such a teacher!"

William Birkin looked embarrassed, "I'm just doing my job, Veronica..."

"Hey! What about me and Wong?" Carlos asked, indicating himself and Ada.

"I like curry!" Alfred said to no one in particular.

"Oh yes," Veronica said lazily and totally ignoring Alfred. After showing off the best teacher in school, she didn't feel like talking about the other 2 teachers, "Ms Ada Wong and Mr Carlos Oliveira. The two amateur teachers."

"Hey!" Ada said, infuriated, "I taught them A Maths and E Maths And D Maths and F Maths and T-Maths and G-Maths and T-Veronica Maths too!"

"Errr... yeah, if there are such things as T-Veronica Maths and G-Maths... Something tells me you named them after viruses!!" Alexia said, suspiciously.

Ada looked nervous.

"And me!" Carlos complained, "I taught you all Music, Art and Drama, remember?"

"Oh, yeah!" Steve said, "I learnt all your cool stunt moves in Drama! You're the bestest Arts and Drama teacher in the world!! ...... Or maybe just this school."

"I'm the _only_ Arts teacher in this school... Kenneth quit 13 years ago..." Carlos said, frowning. "Kenneth was a GOOD arts teacher. One of the best."

"Oh!!! I remember Mr Kenneth Sullivan! He taught Chemistry too, right?" Alfred squealed. Alfred was one of the oldest students in the school at that time so before Kenneth quit, he taught Alfred's batch. No one except Alfred, Alexia and Wesker knew Mr Sullivan.

"Yeaaaaaah..." Carlos said, looking at Alfred, "Say, you're not Alfred Ashford are you?" he asked.

"OH YES I AM!!!" Alfred screamed.

"Oh... You're the guy who won the Student of the Year prize eh?" Carlos asked.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Chris, Claire, Steve, Rebecca and Nemesis cried, amazed.

"He won the _STUDENT OF THE YEAR_ prize? How the _shit_ did _THAT_ happen?!" Rebecca asked in awe.

"Meep! Don't say it as though I'm too insignificant to receive the prize!" Alfred was annoyed.

"Hey! Pay no heed to that jerk!" Alexia said, "Wesker and I know that he won it only because he helped the headmistress get her head out of the toilet bowl!" and Wesker nodded in agreement.

O.o!! "Mrs Birkin got her head stuck in a toilet bowl?!" Chris asked, even more amazed than the _Alfred-won-a-prize _fiasco.

William Birkin's head slipped into his two cupped hands in embarrassment, "Yes..."

"LOL! Oh my gawd! I wonder how the hell that happened!" Steve said, intrigued.

"If I remember correctly," Wesker said, matter-of-factly, "she was scolding some member from the Toilet Loving Gang (the Wall Loving Gang used to be called that before they found out that they were losing members cos of the stupid name). Anyway, the student didn't want to go home because he loved the toilet SOSOSOSOSO super-much that Annette had to drag him away from it."

"Needless to say," Alexia continued, "The guy shoved her head down the toilet and flushed it."

"Ooooooh... That's pretty harsh..." Nemesis said. "So Alfred went to help her?"

"Yah, and that's how he got his prize."

"Awwww.... Don't listen to that crap!" Steve yelled, "I for one won the prize at the prom-night competition for being the most charming, good-looking guy there in my final year, making ME Mr REHSD amongst all the other graduating students!!!"

"And I won the one before his year." Chris stated, grinning.

"Aaaaaaaaaaand...." Rebecca said, "Chris and Jill were crowned Mr and Ms REHSD!!! MUAHAHAHA!!" and she looked over at Claire, "Oh, and Claire became Ms REHSD in her year." and she gave her laugh again, "MUAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"By the way, where's Jilly?" Chris asked, looking around.

"She got blown up by her own rocket launcher. Wahahaahhahaha!" Alexia laughed, "That'll teach her to steal my role in RE1 and RE3!!!"

"Nah, her hat in RE3 caught on fire because a Cerberus threw a flaming shoe at her head and she died trying to save her hat from the fire...." Rebecca said nonchalantly, "Or something like that..."

Everyone stared at her.

Veronica cleared her throat. "A HEM HEM HEM HEM COUGH WHEEZE COUGH CHOKE AHEM!!" she said.

"Jeez, that's one weird sounding clearing-of-throat!" Wesker said.

"Awww, shuddup!" Veronica yelled, "It is finally... DUN DUN DUN!!!! **STORY TIME**!!!"

Everyone in the room including William, Carlos and Ada groaned. "Not story time!!"

"Yes! It is! I shall now tell you the story of how my name became so super-famous in RECV!" and Veronica started to tell her story...

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To be continu-- okay, I get tired of that phrase.

A/N: And this leads to a prelude of horrors to come. See ya next time in chapter 6! Review first! Next chapter will be a parody of RECV actually... a really SHORT parody retold by Veronica Ashford... wahahahahaha!

OH! Yeaaaaah... How could I NOT praise my **greatly **great reviewers?!

Thanks _Wicked-Doggie_, _Dr-Needles_, _Bwah-the-Grand_, _Wesker Chick_, _sych77 _and_ Samura Sheikah_ for your most wonderful reviews. XD They mean a lot. -smiles- and I can't help but reply to some of your reviews so...

**Wicked-Doggie** - Soooooo, you're a Leon hater and a Steve fan too, eh? GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE MAN!!!

**Wesker Chick **- XD Wesker is so evil ain't he? I guess I have a pretty good idea on why you worship him... hehehe... your fics rawk too! especially Camp Umbrella! Wahahaha!

**sych77** - humor fics are my life, so expect more hilarity. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

**Samura Sheikah** - Uhh... Leon kinda'... died away in this chapter... XD and nope, sorry, can't have 'more hitting Steve in the face' cuz i currently have this obsession with Steve Burnside and any Steve bashing will immediately make me go after the author who did it with a chainsaw. Xx I am anti-Steve-bashing. Thank you.


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